one week

it's been one week since coalie left.

i search for him in places i knew he never would be
the bathroom
the kitchen
my office

i see him in things that contain all but memories of him
a black garbage bag

i collect these memories of you in pictures, still images
that do no justice to your breathing self.
each picture, dated, does not look like how i remembered you.

i feel fingers in my brain working like those machines at arcades
limply trying to grab on to moments we spent together

but my mind hangs.

on tuesday i could not believe i was to go on without you
i don't know how a dog could have become so much a part of my identity and existence, especially if he only saw me at home.
i felt like a different person -- it was almost frightening to think that i had changed.

i cried on wednesday night, thinking i wouldn't ever see him again.

then i stopped crying until last night.

the tears couldn't come. i didn't feel any loss anymore, for 4 days. every time i thought of the moment i registered his deathly gaze, nothing comes, i have a numbing sensation around my temples and between my eyes and all i get is an image without emotions attached.

could i have let go so fast?

perhaps i had anticipated his death for so many years that he had already died a long time ago in my heart, killed by my own fear and insecurity.

or maybe i was just distracted?


last night, tiger whined and barked in the middle of the night, into emptiness. feels like i'm doing this all the time -- writing into emptiness, projecting images into emptiness.

i was afraid, my mum tells me that coalie will be back on the 7th day... maybe he came back, but i couldn't see him and i couldn't ever know for sure.

all i knew was that i felt immensely lonely for a while, and finally the tears came back.
i do miss you after all.




and mondays will never feel the same again.