Goodbye

I once dreamt that coalie and I were on a journey, and that he could not go on... And I tried my best to drag him along, begged him to continue walking.... But he could not.

I don't think it's the same today. Coalie left suddenly like he knew I was afraid of seeing him suffer.

When I reached home, he was sunbathing as usual in the garden... But his eyes were so foreign and different. I knew he was gone, he had left me.

I was scared, but I touched him, n tried to call him back.

I never was so close to death before.. N I was afraid I'd grow to be scared of him, which would be the worst thing I could ever do to him.

I scratched the back of his ear as mum helped me do the calling - to my family, to the vet. Sometimes I thought he was breathing... Then I tried to resuscitate him somehow, n got instructions from the vet to check if he was still alive, but to no avail.

I called him back but he did not return.

He had peed a little, n I wiped it off the floor.

We covered his lower body with a towel n I didn't dare to take my hands off his body, fearing that I would be too afraid of him if I stopped touching the familiar black (and white) fur.

I held his paw and we made a paw print. I also took pictures of the parts of his body I loved best - stubby tail, chipped tooth, propped up ear, paws.

Some moments I was glad he looked so peaceful, some moments I was too shocked to register the truth.

I realize now how close death is, how what I've feared for years has finally happened to me.

I lost my best friend and what else can I say?

I told him as I put my head to his body... That I loved him, and that I'm so thankful for all these years, for the great friend he has been.

Coalie I really love you. I don't remember ever loving so much. And love doesn't stop, does it?

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your peaceful exit, with full knowledge of how quietly you've seeped into every part of my existence.

I will love Genie and Tiger more, as they have experienced the same loss as I have... I will use all the attention to be spent on you on them now.

I wish you were here tonight.

But I'm ok. Rest in peace, I love you.