Day two

I think nothing much has changed, we are all feeling more solemn. Every creature in the family seems to have registered Coalie's passing.

He has been so much part of my life that now I really know what it means to have a part of me die. I cannot imagine how my identity has changed forever now that Coalie is no longer by my side.

I cannot even imagine that he is gone. It is too sudden, we all find it hard to accept.

I feel so lost at the sight of his photos. Really, it has come to this... All I have is a photograph... Nothing more physical than the image.

Then again, yesterday taught me that I could only know coalie as much as his physical body... It's the boundary between us, but it's what defines our friendship. There is nothing beyond that I understand, nothing else that I can recognize.

I love him so much even though he doesn't know about what I write about in my thesis, what I'm studying... Why? It's unconditional love, he loves me for who I am not what I do.

That's all...

I thought today would be better, but the moment I woke up I started crying. It is only doing him justice.

Work was a good distraction, but I don't want to forget.

I keep recalling the lifeless image of him, to remind me that the body becomes an empty shell, that all that I know is this shell... I always sense something more, an affinity, but I wouldn't recognize coalie without that physical body.

I miss hugging him n blowing at his face so he'd lick my face.

It's so crazy painful.